And there we have arrived at part two in the series of blogs about Borderline and Clinging to a relationships. Did you read part one already? If not, read it here.
Let’s be practical now and take a look at clinging to a relationship when you have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). A person with Borderline can in fact have abandoning anxiety, he or she clings to another person, because the person means everything to him or her. Is a person with Borderline afraid to be alone? Often you see that a patient having BPD is very insecure about himself or herself. People with Borderline have a lack of self esteem and often a relationship is a nice way to make you feel better.
You can focus your attention to the other person and especially a person who you desire and like. This aspect can make your confidence grow very fast and this makes you stronger. When that person is not around anymore the BPD patient is on his own again. The insecurity arises because of the so called “having trouble processing situations” system like nasty situations occurred in the person’s childhood. Now, can you do something about this being a BPD patient and all?
Positive news, YES you can! The thing is, processing situations is very hard for you. I would never call you names like unstable or clinging for the simple reason that I know the process of BPD by experience. I know why it works the way it works. I will elaborate so you can understand, why you or that person with Borderline has so much trouble with and suffering from extreme abandoning anxiety. Often, people with Borderline have experienced something traumatic or have been bullied in the past.
BPD patients are often mad at themselves, because they want to do every single thing right, it is black or it is white. They do not want to see the black side, they do not want any fights, they want love, they do not want nasty things just like anybody else does. A patient having BPD can experience the smallest negative situation as something extremely big. First of all, it all feels more intense and second of all, something nasty cannot be put into perspective.
Because of all the nasty experiences the so called “put up a fight” system has been activated inside the brain of the person having BPD. He or she is fighting against nasty situations. He or she never wanted to have a nasty childhood, so self-acceptance is a big deal. He or she never got accepted by the bullies and has developed a low self image and does not believe in him or herself. A BPD patient cannot do something right, for example having a little chat with someone.
This causes the BPD patient to say that he cannot establish social contacts, let alone maintain them. This results in thinking he or she cannot go to parties, because of his or her black-or-white way of thinking. He or she cannot flirt, hence not getting a relationship. The person having BPD is blushing a lot and does not hold speeches in class. He or she is not going to see his or her good friend anymore, because they have been gaming for the past three days.
He or she did not want to do this. The problem is that he or she did not let their good friend know, while they could easily do other things in the future. He or she is not aware of his or her qualities, hence is not going to job interviews. The person having BPD is afraid to lose his or her partner, because this person means the world to him or her. Without him or her there is no love, is there? Luckily there is still a gray area.
In my next blog Borderline and Clinging to a relationship part 3 I will discuss this aspect in more detail.
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Until next time.